


The Misadventures of Bug Dad and Sexy Mom

by kiapurity



Series: TMoBDaSM AU [1]
Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Gen, Sam the Researcher, Tired Researcher is probably suffering from alcohol poisoning, crack fluff probably, this cast has gotten huge help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-05-20 00:48:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19366894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiapurity/pseuds/kiapurity
Summary: A researcher is trying to keep track of the Sparda family shenanigans.Crackfluff, "EVERYONE LIVES" AU





	1. Report 1-10

**Author's Note:**

> I needed fluff!

The Misadventures of Bug Dad and Sexy Mom

Reports written by one Tired Researcher

**Episode One**

“How They Met”

This appears to have been one giant noodle incident in which noodles were somehow involved and we are unable to ascertain several details as to what happened. Needlessly to say, they somehow fell in love and got married.

We still don’t know if Eva is a witch, a normal woman, a demon hunter, or a noodle connoisseur and am afraid to find out.

**Episode Two**

“American Police Sirens”

According to our research, it would seem that Eva has somehow discovered that she is expecting twins in the most unusual way. Two different colored lights are emanating from her stomach and this has thrown Sparda into a panic. Later reports would suggest twins are unusual in pregnancies among his species.

One can only guess how well their children will get along at an older age.

**Episode Three:**

“Delivery”

The midwife is with Eva right now, it would appear that Sparda was booted out of the room for pacing and panicking too much. He appears to be breathing out of a paper bag. There is a healthy cry of a baby. The father has heard this and ran off to greet his first born. However, it would seem that the second one is taking his time.

Some considerable panic to the point Eva is yelling her head off at Sparda who decided to try luring the baby out with a slice of pizza. I am not sure how he thought this would work but regardless, the second baby is out.

**Episode Four:**

“Child Rearing for Dummies”

It would seem that there are two different schools of thought on how to rear children with the two new parents. Considerable trouble with him demanding the babies be trained with swords when they haven’t even begun to wean off of breast milk. Concern abound as to what kind of people the children will grow up to be.

Have begun drinking heavily in order to make sense of Sparda’s insane demon logic and constantly entertaining self by watching Eva make him sit outside to read children rearing books.

**Episode Five:**

“First words”

After many months of crying into reports, have received word that the babies are now old enough to start babbling to each other. Considering they are twins, it is possible that they speak in their own language. The parents are encouraging the children to say “mommy” and “daddy” …

It is with deep disappointment that their first words were reported to be “pizza” and “power”.

**Episode Six:**

“Personalities”

They are now old enough to move around on their own and they both seem to be showing distinct personalities. The older likes to be by himself and constantly gets annoyed by the younger who’s always getting in his face. Eva is constantly breaking up their fights and one is forced to think back to police siren lights.

Perhaps this is not a good sign of things to come.

**Episode Seven:**

“Pets”

Sparda suggested that they should have little puppies from hell for pets. This was met with a loud objection from Eva as the twins were not yet two years old and still too young to care for pets. Sparda seems to be outside reading from the same book again. Have lost track of how often he is doing this.

The twins continue to be as cute as ever.

**Episode Eight:**

“Classics”

They have begun learning the classics in every true sense of the word. Classic art, literature, music, and only god knows what else. It is clear Sparda has lived for a long time and is imparting his knowledge on the twins who are now four years old. Eva seems to be okay with this method of schooling.

They still have the hell puppies. Am afraid to ask what they named the puppies.

**Episode Nine:**

“Sword Lessons”

At this point, Eva has been doing nothing but damage control. The twins are learning how to fight with swords which are thankfully, sized perfectly for their tiny bodies. It is clear that they will grow up to be considerable fighters. However, the younger one is constantly egging on the older to quit reading books and play-fight … which turns into a ugly fight.

Sparda is now outside again, reading the book. Eva didn’t even yell at him this time, it seems to be now an involuntary reaction to whenever the twins fight.

**Episode Ten:**

“Names”

Mortified that I have failed to mention the twins’ names in the reports. They have been named after a certain classical literature and one can only wonder what the heck Sparda was thinking. Eva was probably too damn tired. The older is Vergil, the younger Dante. Have not seen Sparda sit outside with the book in some time. Perhaps he has finally *figured* out how to raise children or he finally gave up.

Have lost track of alcohol consumed during this entire research period. The twins are eight years old thus far. Still fighting as usual.


	2. Report 11-20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next set of reports have been written by the poor researcher.

**Episode Eleven**

"Sandwiches"

Lately I've been finding sandwiches at my campsite and research stations. There is a huge bottle of painkillers and plenty of water. I get the feeling that they know I'm here because the other day I yelled at the twins to stop fighting or I would tell their mother. That was surprisingly effective.

Sandwiches are delicious. Been a while since had home made meals made with love. Am crying now. This family is too precious.

**Episode Twelve**

"Adoption"

Of all things to happen. I never expected the family to outright adopt me since they felt so bad for me. I assured them that I was of sound mind but my liver had been taking a beating. Just the other day I watched the boys cut the grass with their swords and Sparda seemed to have no idea what a lawn mower was, mistaking it for a cattle. 

Sparda has decided that I should be the family historian from now, clearly undisturbed that I was recording his entire family’s activities.

So be it, then. Fortuna can forget ever getting my reports anymore.

**Episode Thirteen**

“Sparda gets lost on the way to the grocery store”

Today, some guy named Mundus tried to send demons after the family. The hellhounds ate the army. Eva is concerned that Sparda isn’t home yet and sent me to find him. Sigh. I miss drinking sometimes.

Found him in a nearby farm field, pondering the meaning of cattle. Brought him back home with some considerable trouble. Did get a free cheese wheel.

**Episode Fourteen**

“You Tried”

Damn it. My alcohol supply has run out again. I need a new coping method to deal with the increasing insanity of this family. Pretty sure I can officially document the existence of one Sparda Family Brain Cell™.

Mundus keeps trying to send demon army but either Sparda or the pups take care of them while no one’s looking. It’s getting increasingly weird. Mundus *really* hates this family for reasons I cannot fathom.

**Episode Fifteen**

“That time I forgot I ruled an island”

The family has been asking more details about me and I had to explain that I hailed from Fortuna. Sparda remarked that the name sounded familiar until I pointed out that he once ruled the island. It took him a little too long to remember that was a thing.

The twins were curious. I explained that there was a cult and Sparda sighed, unable to believe that it had been going on for that long. Eva wasn’t too surprised because Sparda is that kind of charismatic person.

I had to think about that.

**Episode Sixteen**

“Ten years later”

I have finally kicked my alcohol habit. Mundus has given up on trying to kill this family which bodes well. Unfortunately, trying to get answers out of Sparda has proven to be pretty evasive as he seems confused regarding Mundus. Mumbling about how he was supposed to be sealed a long time ago. Not sure what’s going on with the army.

Unsure what the twins are up to as they have disappeared from the house doing their own thing. I can only worry for their own safety. Sparda doesn’t seem to be too concerned but he is now sitting outside with me reading books on how to deal with teenagers. Feels like old times.

**Episode Seventeen**

“Long story”

Headache impending trying to figure out how exactly this happened or how to explain this in the reports. I had not been to Fortuna in years but yet one of the twins went out of sheer curiosity. Was concerned about the older one because of the cult issue … which I believe worsened with the passing of the holy leader.

Then he came back with a girlfriend a month later.

I stand corrected. Wife. Vergil loudly insisted.

**Episode Eighteen**

“Research sucks”

I have been going through all my papers and trying to confirm with Sparda’s memories about the things he has been up to for the last two thousand years. Regarding the documented historical records, most of it was exaggerated. He seems to have an increasingly weird habit of stumbling into critical points in human history only to look as if he was a deer caught in the headlights.

Eva had been trying to keep him from doing that during their entire marriage because someone (like me) would have eventually noticed. However, it seems this is one of the rare instances in which she succeeded (for a change) . . .

**Episode Nineteen**

“Nightmares”

Good god. Had a horrific nightmare in which everything was different from the waking world. The family was broken apart, brothers at each other’s throats because of a mistaken belief in which they were too stupid to communicate with each other.

Let’s hope they’re capable of using Sparda Family Brain Cell™ so this isn’t a problem in the waking world.

**Episode Twenty**

“Grandchildren”

I did not expect this. Sparda is now sitting outside reading a book about grandchildren. I need alcohol to do some mental math regarding this.

Eva has broken out the alcohol and is now sharing drinks with me. I suspect she was caught off guard by this revelation too.


	3. Report 21-30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The family still remains special as always.

**Episode Twenty-One**

“The Wife”

I am not sure what I was expecting from Vergil’s chosen mate. Like me, she is from Fortuna but clearly didn’t believe in the cult. Seeing her meet Sparda was something of a shock and she complained that she thought it was a bunch of stories.

The dynamic between the two of them is interesting to watch because it’s a battle of strong wills. However, he shows rare moments of affection around her to the point it’s heartbreaking to watch.

Ever since they both learned they were expecting, he’s refused to leave her side. So Sparda has been making Vergil sit outside with the old baby books. What a weird change of pace.

**Episode Twenty-Two**

“Merc for hire”

It turns out that Dante was going around calling himself Tony Redgrave and getting devil hunting jobs. Said that he was going to help reduce the amount of Mundus’ army that was still lurking around.

Who the hell is Mundus and why is he still hell-bent on this obsession? Sparda explained that Mundus was the king of hell in the “legend” that he defeated and sealed away a long time ago. Still confused on how Mundus is still orchestrating an army at this point.

Went back to the dairy farm and got another cheese wheel because at this point, my liver needs a break from alcohol.

Then I discovered that the Tony Redgrave alias was actually Dante’s stage name for stripping.

Stronger alcohol needed.

**Episode Twenty-Three**

“Sex Education”

It turns out that somehow, Sparda was RESPONSIBLE for this. Eva was explaining to me that she thought that with Sparda’s years on Earth, he would have been the best one to educate the twins. Though, Dante did come to her with follow-up questions regarding human biology.

I asked her about Vergil and she said that he was too shy to even think about such matters. Which is sadly ironic because he’s still sitting outside trying to go over the logistics of the child rearing books.

I am a little afraid of what Vergil’s offspring will be like.

**Episode Twenty-Four**

“Night light”

Carina has not been too amused about the fact that Dante has been using her as a night light for late-night pizza retrieval. Of course, it didn’t take too long for Vergil to catch on and chase after his twin.

We have been sharing the newest cheese wheel and she said that she hoped that her baby would at least be smarter than his relatives. I have a feeling that she’s right.

**Episode Twenty-Five**

“Here we go again”

The same midwife is back and she seems concerned that it’s the same family again. I have taken comfort in sitting on the couch in the living room recording my thoughts while everyone else except for Eva panics. She’s sipping wine calmly.

Vergil may have had a broken hand. Then hit Dante with the said broken hand once the pizza suggestion was brought up. The word “fool” got used so many times I lost count, this could be a dangerous drinking game.

The baby is here … and he has blue eyes and white hair. That gene is stronger than I thought. Very cute though.

If his first words are “power”, I will take this as a sign to get completely smashed out of despair.

**Episode Twenty-Six**

“Nero”

I think Nero just might outdo his male relatives when it comes to being cute. Everyone is so completely enamored with him to the point that even Mundus’ demon army went “awww” in the yard.

Then the twins had to clean up the demon army. They’re already strong enough to fight without Sparda or the puppies’ intervention considering they inherited their father’s weapons. Sparda seems comfortable with the idea of retirement and babysitting the grandchild.

Whenever the twins decide to fight with each other, Sparda is content to use Nero as a perfect black mail material. “Do you two want to upset the baby?!”

This always works out.

**Episode Twenty-Seven**

“Knitting”

Carina has been trying to teach the family how to knit. Eva is already experienced in this field and has been assisting her daughter-in-law. Sparda seems to have some considerable trouble, getting tangled up in yarn.

Dante knit a sweater that said “pizza slut”. No one is surprised. (I was half expecting him to knit a whole pizza.)

Vergil on the other hand, somehow managed to knit a sweater with four sleeves. Everyone is completely mystified as to how he did this since he followed instructions perfectly. He put the sweater on the baby and the next thing we knew was that Nero managed to pop a second set of ghostly arms through the extra sleeves.

I am speechless because I did not see this coming.

**Episode Twenty-Eight**

“Uncle”

Dante has been stuck with the babysitting duties while the exhausted parents have some time to themselves. I was afraid that he would try to blend a pizza and feed it to the baby but he is smarter than he lets on.

He admitted to me being an uncle was the best thing to ever happen. It helped him put things in perspective about life and said that he wouldn’t mind finding the right woman. Whoever she is, I have a feeling that she is the kind of person who would shoot Dante and ask questions later. Whoever she is, she might be the perfect partner that he needs, someone to have his back.

I asked him if he was still doing the stripping thing. It was just a lark for him, it seems. The family is not poor by any means, Sparda has a lot of wealth stored away in various places and the twins are very well educated. 

He’s also surprised that I managed to stick around even though I could have ran away screaming considering how much I have been drinking alcohol because of the family. I offered him a cheese wheel piece saying that I thought the cheese was a better idea and far more healthier.

I told him that I have an obligation to the family and by all rights, I would stick to it because I cared more about this family than I thought I would when I first started writing the reports.

Have a distinct feeling that I may have altered events a long time ago but it’s worth it. This family deserves happiness.

**Episode Twenty-Nine**

“Spoiling the grandchild”

The grandparents have never been happier with their grandchild. It’s their turn now for the babysitting duties since there’s a certain tower that needs dealing with. I am worried for the twins but at the same time I am hopeful that things should be okay.

(But did Carina need to go with them? She did say that someone had to keep them from being stupid… so I guess there’s that.)

Eva admitted that she didn’t feel old enough to be a grandmother but it didn’t matter. She was too happy to spoil Nero, feeling as if she had gotten a new lease on life.

If I could describe Nero, it’s like he’s the sunshine in the darkness. I can only wonder what his future would bring when he gets older.

Sparda suggested that they should get started on teaching Nero fighting lessons while he’s young enough. Eva made Sparda sit in the yard with the books.

Some things never change.

**Episode Thirty**

“First words”

Unsurprisingly, I have broken out the alcohol and gotten smashed out of my mind. Nero *is* really Vergil’s child after all.


	4. Report 31-40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam the Researcher still at it with the reports, finally attaching pictures to them. More misadventures continue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit goes to Terry Pratchett of Discworld fame for the cheese wheel (Tiffany books!) ... Well worth the read!

**Episode Thirty-One**

“I am Sam”

Hello, my name is Sam The Researcher from Fortuna. I used to work for the Order and found out that Sparda was still alive. I knew that he had ruled over the dinky island and probably fled the minute he realized he accidentally created a cult.

I’m glad to say that I’m no longer with the Order. They don’t need me anyway. I have my alcohol and precious cheese wheels. However, I am starting to grow concerned with Sparda’s latest hobby of dairy farming after having been so impressed with the cattle.

The problem is that I have now discovered that there are such things as hell cows. Sparda is trying to learn how to make cheese.

He means well, but if the devil cheese wheels start attacking people, I will cry.

**Episode Thirty-Two**

“Temen-Ni-Gru”

I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that 1) Dante got a girlfriend who shot him in the face, 2) Sparda used a tower to seal Mundus and forgot about it, 3) I *really* hate jesters, 4) Carina somehow having the strength to drag her husband away from the pits of hell, 5) Dante still got shot in the face and lived.

What the heck happened?

Eva and I are now drinking buddies.

**Episode Thirty-Three**

“Family Pictures”

Sparda has been suggesting to Vergil that he should get a traditional family painting. Vergil strongly objected to this considering the last family painting posing went poorly. The twins were eight at that time and had started a fight (are any of us surprised) and Sparda decided to go for Beethoven hair just to make a POWERFUL fashion statement.

I pointed out that the hair he attempted would give small children nightmares. As if they didn’t already give the rest of the family (and me) nightmares from the look.

Eva suggested a compromise, a nice studio photograph with a professional photographer.

This did not end well.

_(picture attached; it appears that Vergil has *stabbed* Dante. Multiple times. Everyone’s just yelling in the picture.)_

**Episode Thirty-Four**

“The Girlfriend With a Rocket launcher”

After getting to know Lady, I can only say that I think Dante has chosen well. However, a little concerned about jesters. Lady promised me that it won’t be a problem because this particular Jester was dead then she started crying.

A lot of awkward fumbling and offering tissues. She feels better now. Said she didn’t know what to do with her life now. Thought she could help hunt demons.

Then I remembered Dante’s stripper alias and broke out my flask.

**Episode Thirty-Five**

“Drinking Club”

At this point, the drinking club consists of all the wives (and one girlfriend) and me. It’s our “me-time” in order to de-stress from the weird shenanigans from Sparda Family Brain Cell™.

Unfortunately, this wound up becoming a drinking game between Carina and Lady. Though they get along better than their idiot mates do with each other. My liver/kidneys/spleens can’t keep up with this.

I somehow feel sorry for the twins.

**Episode Thirty-Six**

“Babies”

Next topic at the Drinking Club, the subject of children. Lady remarked that was too soon for her to think about but didn’t mind helping Dante babysit Nero. They’re still pretty early in their relationship alright.

Eva said that just having twins was *enough* for her and was fine with what she had. I do not blame her, they were already exhausting just to write about. I can only imagine she feels much worse.

Carina just stared at me and took a huge swig of her drink. Unclear what that meant just yet.

“I wouldn’t mind giving Nero another sibling but I just want a little more time so he’ll be a good big brother.” Another huge swig of her drink.

Oh.

Picked up a notebook that was one of my futile attempts at tracking how well the twins get along. The number is distressingly low compared to how many times Vergil has stabbed Dante.

Took a huge swig of drink too.

**Episode Thirty-Seven**

“Dreams”

I had a terrible nightmare. I was chased by a demonic cheese wheel. Woke up, the demonic cheese wheel is on me having claimed me.

Sparda, why.

Switched my comfort food to cheesecake because at least I know that won’t randomly sprout horns and try to attack me. Though this cheese wheel seems to be determined at guarding me from Mundus’ army. Not sure why Mundus is even showing a growing interest in me.

Worrying.

**Episode Thirty-Eight**

“Birthday”

Today, we’re having a birthday party for Nero who has just turned two. (His first birthday, everyone was exhausted from having to clean up Mundus’ army. This time there is a proper party!)

His father insisted on making the birthday cake himself … and the kitchen looks like as it lost a fight with the demon cheesecake wheel. Unclear on why.

Eva sighed and was cleaning up the kitchen as I wondered what kind of strange forces were at play with this universe that Vergil could manage to destroy the kitchen to make a perfect birthday cake. I hope he did not inherit Sparda’s ability to turn things too weird.

What am I even talking about.

Nero smashed into his birthday cake with some enthusiasm with all four of his arms.

_(pictures attached; Nero is grinning with his face covered in chocolate cake. The kitchen destruction was not understated. Sparda is wearing a party hat with a little tooty toot thing in his mouth.)_

**Episode Thirty-Nine**

“Pets, part two”

Sparda suggested Nero should have a pet of his own. Eva had to tackle Sparda to the floor before I could break out my flask.

Situation still unclear on when Nero will get a pet as his parents have the final say on the matter.

**Episode Forty**

“Hugs”

Am sitting outside, watching Nero play by himself. For some reason, I am on babysitting duties for whatever reason is known to man. Everyone has scattered to the ends of the earth… figuratively speaking. (I am pretty sure there’s a mix of demon hunting, trying to keep Sparda from picking up interesting hobbies, and shopping. Not necessarily in that order.)

Observing this child has led me to think that he is pure of heart and would do anything for people who he loves.

Just now he gave me a hug (with all four of his arms) because he understands that I’ve had a rough time of it trying to deal with this family’s weirdness. We’re watching the fireworks explode in the sky with the demon cheese wheel at our side.

I feel like there will be good things in his future.


	5. Report 41-50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More reports as observed by Sam and the trusty demon cheese wheel.

**Episode Forty-One**

“And the truth is revealed”

I decided to avail myself to the library in the house. Curious amounts of Terry Pratchett’s works on the shelves. Pull a book out and took a good quick read.

Oh my god.

So that’s *where* he got the cheese wheel idea?!

SPARDA.

This explains too much. However, the demon cheese wheel has informed me that its name is Brie.

Now we have demon cheese wheels punning.

**Episode Forty-Two**

“Pets, part three”

Sparda still won’t let go of the idea that his grandson needs a pet and proposed that he should have an army of demon cheese wheels.

The sad part is that Vergil is in agreement with Sparda’s insane idea. Something about how his child should be able to learn how to command. The kid is barely three, you people.

Carina sprayed both of them with holy water, sending them hissing and scattering into various directions. She said found out that it worked pretty well after seeing Dante hurl a container of holy water at his brother at Temen Ni Gru. I am afraid to ask what prompted that.

**Episode Forty-Three**

“Questionable Mating Rituals”

Some things are better left unwritten.

**Episode Forty-Four**

“Big Brothers”

This may or may not be related to the previous report. Nero said that he wants to be a big brother because he looks up to his father so much. He also has scared Dante on few occasions by asking for a cousin to play with.

This kid is proving to be talented at terrifying the twins.

**Episode Forty-Five**

“Swearing”

Nero has learned the f word and no one knows how or where he picked this up. Carina who swears on the regular has said that it wasn’t her because she doesn’t use such language around children in general much less her own.

Vergil doesn’t believe her.

Dante did point out that Nero was in the same room with Vergil when he dropped a book on his foot and muttered the word.

We now have learned that Nero has very good hearing. Also, Vergil is now in the front yard in shame. Brie, the demon cheese wheel has tried to comfort him to no avail.

**Episode Forty-Six**

“Holy Water”

It never did occur to me that such a thing would affect devils who have demonstrated the ability to feel on the same scale as humans. So I had to ask Dante for more information.

Apparently, Dante picked it up and on a whim threw it at his brother after he had a “I NEED POWER” moment only to get an “AHHH IT BURNS” moment in Temen-Ni-Gru. I have a feeling that a lot more complicated stuff happened at the tower more than I thought.

I wonder if holy water would somehow make Brie melt. Better protect my cheese, I suppose.

**Episode Forty-Seven**

“The Goddess of Time“

So I’ve been researching this mysterious deity that shows up in various places, wearing a lion’s mane on her head, carrying an hourglass on her back. Somehow anyone could buy things from her ranging from colored orbs to colored stars and holy water.

Supernatural merchants shouldn’t come as a surprise to me. I can only ask why she wasn’t stocked with more things like weapons or food. Diverse stock can invite repeat customers!

Brie seems to think I’ve lost my mind, ranting about business. To be fair, my sanity fled me years ago. However, my liver is recovering nicely because I have not had any reason to get drunk lately.

There was a bit of an incident with Nero breaking his arm. Then it wasn’t broken. The boy is happy as he can ever be while giving his father a heart attack.

**Episode Forty-Eight**

“Devil Trigger“

I thought I had given my liver a break but nope. All this time, I have somehow managed to never witness the Sparda family in their DT form. After seeing their other form, all I can do is sigh and break out the strongest alcohol.

(It is remarkable how different the *identical* twins look in their DTs. Sometimes I’m not sure if I understand the concept of identical anymore.)

100% sure Nero would still be a cute kid in his DT but he doesn’t seem to be anywhere near developing it. Would he ever be able to develop it… I wonder…?

Then I remembered his phantom arms and sigh, facepalming.

**Episode Forty-Nine**

“Education“

There seems to be considerable strife in the household with Nero’s parents arguing regarding his education. Carina wants him to go to a public school so he can be around children his age. Vergil seems to think that he did just fine with home school education.

They both looked to me for mediation. I answered them with a drink from my flask and a flat “no.”

Sparda seems to have solved this problem by explaining that the reason why the twins were originally home schooled was that they didn’t know what to expect with the hybrids. Thought Nero should be okay being among the humans. Not that they couldn’t just supplement regular public school education with some old fashioned schooling.

And so, a compromise was reached.

**Episode Fifty**

“First love”

Nero has been having play-dates with a Fortuna couple’s children. He seems especially enamored of the girl who is just about a year older than him. I can see why, she’s the literal embodiment of “sweet n’ spice and everything”.

He has declared that when he and Kyrie get older, they’re going to get married in a heartbeat. I believe he really means it.

Then later, I found out that sweet little Kyrie is the same Kyrie who has managed to get the Order cult’s clothing stained pink through some kind of miraculous laundry error. Not to mention that there is a long list of her other pranks.

This girl is a terror too and no one but me seems to know it.

Help.


	6. Report 51-60

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More misadventures continue.

**Episode Fifty-One**

“Phases”

While killing some time, Dante decided to bring out his blackmail book (amazingly thick) on his twin. I am suddenly scared of the fact that there’s even a blackmail book and that it’s that thick.

He was showing Carina some of the pictures, saying that one of them was from his goth phase where he demanded to be called ‘V’ and quoted nothing but William Blake. Carina didn’t seem to be surprised (see: ‘questionable mating rituals’) --

I distinctly recall having a blackout drunk week during that time because the poetry got to be a bit much.

Then he pulled out another one, saying it was yet another one of Vergil’s phases. This time, a Heavy Metal one … in which he went by Urizen.

I definitely do not remember this one. Must have blacked out again.

Carina is too busy laughing her butt off at this point which seems to have unfortunately summoned her husband.

Dante had a third picture, “WAIT. I HAVE MORE! This is the British phase--”

He got stabbed with Vergil yelling at him. “WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT.”

**Episode Fifty-Two**

“Writing my name”

While visiting Nero at his parents’ house, I picked up the Complete Works of William Blake and opened the copy. Ah, this is Vergil’s book. Discovered that Vergil started the habit of writing his name on things because of how often the twins fought over possessions.

More research indicates that Vergil has kept this habit up despite not having lived with his twin for some time. Vergil’s name is on everything and I wouldn’t be surprised if he wrote his name on his wife-- wait a second.

I don’t want to think anymore.

**Episode Fifty-Three**

“Missing Brie”

One morning, I found scattered crumbs of my poor cheese wheel. I was convinced someone murdered Brie and I was ready to cry until Sparda came back with Brie.

I was sobbing like a baby, hugging Brie. Brie had a little patch of bandage on itself? Body? Head? I don’t know.

Sparda said that a bird attacked Brie and the cheese wheel had escaped to Sparda for repairs.

Repairs?

Brie can be repaired just by pouring a bit of hell cow milk on the wound and slapping it with a bandage.

Speechless.

**Episode Fifty-Four**

“Birds”

Ever since that incident, I’ve been aggressively watching out for birds. Unfortunately, I have discovered a giant demon bird named Griffon.

I should not be surprised.

**Episode Fifty-Five**

“Clarification or Questionable Mating Rituals, part two”

Vergil read a previous report and demanded I should clarify something. How did he even get a hold of my reports?

Long story short, Carina has a supernatural tattoo on her back in the shape of a rose. To explain any more about that would require copious amounts of alcohol and another black out period to forget what Vergil told me.

**Episode Fifty-Six**

“The Trouble with Cupid”

Valentine’s day. Everyone’s doing something special. And all I have is my precious loyal Brie. What a good researcher’s assistant/demon cheese wheel.

Nero continues to be cute as always, getting Kyrie flowers and a card he made. Pretty sure they’ll actually get married when they get older, it’s just a feeling.

On the other hand, Dante gifted Lady with a bouquet of guns. Sigh.

Sadly, Vergil seems to have some considerable trouble in this department, having gifted Carnia some small Yamato shaped (????) throwing knives in an attempt to get her to ditch the shotgun. That didn’t work so he mumbled something about “blue lace replacement for the wedding night” and they have not been seen again since.

Sparda gave Eva an ice cream maker machine.

**Episode Fifty-Seven**

“The Return of Mundus”

Mundus is very insistent on harassing me with Griffon. Borrowing Carina’s idea of holy water spray seems to be working.

Giant feathers rained from the sky so I suppose I’d have to give them to Eva to see what she can do with them. Giant pillows?

**Episode Fifty-Eight**

“Stealth Eloping”

Dante and Lady eloped some time ago and didn’t tell anyone which might be for the best.

Am afraid to ask about more details.

Concerning the tradition of having cans clatter behind on a car. There seems to be grenades on the motorcycle. Not sure this was a good idea.

Eh, they’ll be okay.

**Episode Fifty-Nine**

“Mallet Island”

It seems that the twins are tired of Mundus annoying everyone and has gone off to the island to deal with the bastard for once and all.

Nero is really worried about his dad, telling me all about the constant nightmares he had about his papa being trapped in some giant armor, unable to speak. I am frightened for this kid, having such intense nightmares. I wonder if this happened in a parallel world somewhere.

No, that’s too awful to think about.

**Episode Sixty**

“New siblings”

In more than one way. There is a blonde devil who was made to look like Eva, but she’s … very much not Eva. All black leather and attitude. Oh and something about Dante getting a motorcycle to the head at some point.

Trish has been adopted into the Sparda family. Congrats.

Vergil seemed to be very annoyed by the resemblance. His annoyance has been entirely forgotten upon being presented a surprise in form of multiple positive pregnancy tests spelling out “YOU ARE THE FATHER AGAIN”. He turned to Carina and said this exact sentence:

“How many babies are we having this time?”

I got smashed out of my mind as Nero seemed to be too happy to finally be a big brother.


	7. Report 61-70

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sassy bird vs hissing cheese wheel.

**Episode Sixty-One**

“Pets, part four”

Vergil brought back three … creatures from Mallet Island. One of them is an asshole bird who is much smaller than the large asshole bird that was harassing Brie. They are not on good terms. One is a cat-like thing that spikes and stabs things (I suspect Dante had considerable trouble with this one). Finally, the third is … some kind of goop with a floating eyeball. I don’t know.

The cat is pretty cute and follows Nero around. Still randomly spikes Dante on sight.

I suppose this has finally put Sparda’s plans for a Demon Cheese Wheel Army down for good.

**Episode Sixty-Two**

“You did what”

I have learned that the reason why I am not dead from excessive drinking is that Sparda randomly gave me a liver transplant during one of my blackouts years ago.

I should not be surprised that Sparda even knows how to cut people up, but transplanting organs on the other hand…

Suspect this organ came from a rather unfortunate demon donor.

**Episode Sixty-Three**

“Lightweight”

My flask went missing today. Discovered a hole in my coat pocket and sent Brie to look for the flask. Eva took my coat to repair the hole.

Feel so naked without my researcher coat and my flask. Then again, I do need a break from drinking.

Brie returned to let me know that the flask has been discovered in the presence of the twins. I sighed and went to find them, Vergil has been smashed on the ground. Dante looked pretty sheepish.

Apparently, Dante dared Vergil to take a sip. Vergil’s pride clearly got the better of him.

**Episode Sixty-Four**

“Hacker-man, you are not”

Technology is something I take for granted. Typing up reports on computers is so much easier than writing them by hand. Oddly enough, I think only the spouses have any actual experience with technology. If probably because the husbands are too busy doing weird things.

At least Dante knows what a phone is… to order pizza with.

Sparda is fascinated with my computer. Vergil regards it with deep suspicion. Nero managed to shame his dad into sitting in the front yard for being “out of touch”. Then the kid proceeded to impress me with how well he can handle computers.

It’s official. Nero is the permanent holder of the Sparda Family Brain Cell™.

**Episode Sixty-Five**

“How many are we dealing with again”

Dante managed to troll Vergil in a manner I didn’t think was possible. He grabbed one of those lawn projectors and subtly projected multiple lights onto Carina’s stomach. Vergil fainted.

Then Dante got stabbed once Vergil recovered.

**Episode Sixty-Six**

“How many are we dealing with again, part two”

At the drinking club with Trish now being the newest member, I realized something was amiss when Lady declined alcoholic drinks. I asked her if Dante knew yet and she only put a finger to her lips.

I told her, “If the baby comes out with a rocket launcher, I’m taking a nap.”

She seemed to seriously consider this thought. 

**Episode Sixty-Seven**

“Grudges”

Brie and Griffon still hate each other on sight. The cheese wheel just hisses back at the bird who … trash talks.

I don’t even have the energy for this.

**Episode Sixty-Eight**

“Home is where the heart absconds”

Forced to go back to Fortuna to pick up my mail. Ran into a very eccentric researcher (it says something if you’re batshit insane among your own eccentric peers) who insists on a monocle. I am used to monocles but he was complaining about the lack of materials to work on new research with.

And something about materials that washed up on the island. Uh oh.

Grabbed my mail and promptly escaped. Never coming back to Fortuna again.

**Episode Sixty-Nine**

“Ice Cream”

Eva finally got to use her ice cream machine to make some ice cream for everyone. Though, it seems that there was a bit of incident with the ingredients hissing back at her in demonic.

Sparda is now sitting in the front yard for leaving his hell cow milk in the fridge. Dante has gone to the grocery store to fetch the correct ingredients.

**Episode Seventy**

“Devil May Cry”

Actually got to see Dante’s shop for the first time in person. Am impressed. However, he is a slob… sigh.

There is a little blonde girl named Patty who has been trying her best to clean up the mess and she complains this man is absolutely exhausting.

Transcription:  
P: He’s such a slob! Look all these pizza boxes!  
S: I’m not surprised.  
P: You would think Lady would help too! She says that it’s not her problem and escapes with Trish.  
S: Well, Dante does need to pick up after himself but… why are you even doing this?  
P: Someone’s got to!  
S: I see.  
P: Say, that cheese wheel is pretty cute.  
S: This is Brie. Long story.  
P: Who are you anyway?  
S: Sam the researcher or well (loud sighs) family chronicler. The Sparda family is something special. If you don’t watch yourself, you’re going to end up getting adopted into this family.  
P: Is there something bad about this?  
S: Not really. They’re the greatest family you could ask for but … if you thought Dante was exhausting, you haven’t seen his twin.  
P: THERE’S TWO OF THEM???


	8. Report 71-80

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hot pockets would be a great peace offering if they actually worked.

**Episode Seventy-One**

“Devil May Cry, part two”

On a whim, Vergil and Nero went to visit Dante at the office. They also had the pleasure of meeting Patty for the first time. 

Transcription:  
P: Oh god, Sam wasn’t kidding.  
S: I never do (drinks from flask)  
V: Did Dante adopt someone when no one was looking?  
S: Your entire family tends to do this.  
N: What’s your name? I’m Nero, this is my father, Vergil.  
P: Patty. Is your father anything like … Dante?  
V: You insult me. I am nothing like that absolute fool even if he is my twin.  
N: I think that answers that question.  
P: So, he’s the complete opposite.  
N: Yup.  
P: That means he should be a neat freak in theory!  
N: Something like that. But good luck asking him to clean this place.  
P: Why?  
N: Because he’d only add to the mess by stabbing uncle Dante out of frustration.  
V: Just so you know I don’t always stab Dante.  
P: I think stabbing your brother isn’t healthy.  
V: But I feel better.  
P: Well, stop that then.  
S: (just quietly chugs alcohol)

**Episode Seventy-Two**

“Timer”

Recently, Vergil has taken on a new hobby. Whenever Dante starts talking, Vergil whips out a stopwatch to measure how long Dante talks.

“Five minutes too long after the first word--”

Then Lady sprayed Vergil with holy water.

**Episode Seventy-Three**

“Cats”

...apparently Vergil has more cats than I thought. They are all … Shadows. Also trained to spike Dante on sight.

I suspect it had something to do with a prank years ago that Vergil still has not forgiven Dante for. Unclear on the details but believe it involved making Vergil think Yamato got up and walked away literally.

**Episode Seventy-Four**

“Pockets”

I am sad to report that Sparda, Dante, and Vergil seem to be clueless regarding pockets. Nero tried to shame them all into sitting in the front yard but Dante seems to have escaped, somehow.

Only to return with a hot pocket later. Dante tried to offer Nero one but that only resulted in yelling of “IDIOT UNCLE” and being chased around the front yard.

**Episode Seventy-Five**

“How many are we dealing with again, part three”

Stuck babysitting Nero since his parents went in for Carina’s sonogram appointment. I have a bad feeling.

Bad feeling confirmed with basketcase Vergil and a very irritated Carina upon return. I was too terrified to ask, so Nero did it for me because he’s the only one who could make his parents melt.

Turns out that they’re expecting twins.

I have sent Brie to hell to get me some demonic alcohol because I need a blackout drunk period for this.

**Episode Seventy-Six**

“Secrets not so easily kept”

Dante eventually found out and we’re not sure how, the man is chaotic energy all around. He surprised Lady with a small rocket launcher and said that their baby would need it.

Sent Brie back to hell for more demonic alcohol. I am going to need at least six months’ worth.

**Episode Seventy-Seven**

“Birds and Bees”

Vergil attempted to explain the finer details of life to Nero. Nero was not having any of it, complaining that his father was making it overly complicated with diagrams and textbooks.

“Your grandfather skimped out on the details. I’m just telling you this so you wouldn’t be caught off guard like I was.”

Sparda was not too amused. “If it wasn’t for my forgetfulness, you wouldn’t have Nero.”

Vergil exiled himself to the front yard out of frustration and the lesson never quite concluded.

Nero just looked at me and I shrugged. “Your mother might be the better person to ask.”

**Episode Seventy-Eight**

“Lightning storms”

Trish has been entertaining Nero, Kyrie, and Patty with creatures made out of lighting. If she wasn’t working part-time at Devil May Cry, she could be an entertainer or a member of specials effects crew.

Trish said that she preferred hunting demons but admitted being a member of special effects crew did sound appealing.

I asked her how she was adjusting to the human world and she said thanks to the spouses, she was doing just great. She now understands why Sparda did what he did to save the human world. While there were still bad things, she resolved to help the good within the world shine brightly. And something about how her dark soul got filled with light.

I looked at her, speechless.

**Episode Seventy-Nine**

“How many are we dealing with again, part four”

Brie has reproduced.

I officially have an army of ten demon baby cheese wheels.

Why. How.

**Episode Eighty**

“Knitting, part two”

Eva has gotten Trish to help her with knitting baby blankets and somehow have dragged me into this. Do baby demon cheese wheels need baby blankets too?

Trish is doing pretty well for her first time and asked if we needed to knit sweaters too and Eva said that it could wait for later.

Great, I’ve gone from thinking about baby blankets to sweaters for demon cheese wheels, do they even need sweaters?

Griffon has arrived, wearing a sweater Vergil made. The sweater appears to read “Asshole Bird”.

Understatement of the decade.


	9. Report 81-90

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheese wheels have mouths?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Dan Southworth is to blame for the stopwatch

**Episode Eighty-One**

“Weapons artist”

So I found out that the small rocket launcher was a commission done by Nell Goldenstein, a weapons artist. She’s capable of amazing weaponry as shown by Ebony and Ivory.

She introduced me to her granddaughter, Nico. I had a very bad deja vu spike in my brain upon seeing her.

Holy shit.

Nico noticed the papers I was holding and wanted to know what I had there. I said that I accidentally swiped some stuff when I was picking up my mail in Fortuna. Seems that they were for a double barreled gun and a sword with an engine attachment.

Nell said that the idea sounded fascinating and Nico really wanted to make them right away.

So I guess that’s Nero’s 11th birthday gift.

**Episode Eighty-Two**

“Birthdays”

Luckily the weapons got finished in time for Nero’s birthday. He and his father have spent the day learning culture via a musical. This seems relatively normal for the most part.

His father was significantly less than impressed upon learning that Nero named the gun after him.

A stopwatch was thrown at Dante’s head for a joke. Guess that means Vergil has to buy a new one now.

**Episode Eighty-Three**

“Bird has been flipped”

Heard about the awkward meeting at Nero’s school. Apparently Nero flipped someone off and he got reported for it. (Nero later told me that it was because a bully was making fun of his mother and he wasn’t having it.)

Carina accepted blame for this one as she pointed out that she doesn’t swear around her son, but unfortunately has flipped her husband off several times.

Vergil can only take this as a small victory. (See “Swearing”)

**Episode Eighty-Four**

“Cannibalism?”

I discovered that the baby cheese wheels were gone and yelled at Griffon who then informed me that Brie ate them all.

Transcription:  
S: You’re kidding me. Brie doesn’t even have a mouth!  
G: Look at those crumbs.  
S: (looks) I-- oh, hello Brie.  
B: (burps)  
S: (speechless)  
G: I told you, four eyes.

Sparda had to shake me out of a four day catatonic state by pointing out that Brie could never reproduce in the first place and what happened was that Brie had briefly split off ten cheese wheels just to see what they could do. Then Brie reabsorbed them into itself.

I wailed. “I EVEN KNITTED ALL THE BABY BLANKETS!”

Sparda was speechless. I suppose even researchers are not immune to random baby fever. 

**Episode Eighty-Five**

“Small favors”

Brie felt guilty about what happened. I understand better now but Brie tried to comfort me by splitting off a smaller cheese wheel. Oh. That’s how it works?

The smaller cheese wheel is here for good and its name is now Colby. 

Have threatened Griffon with holy water if anything ever happened to Colby.

**Episode Eighty-Six**

“And the results are in…”

Seems that Dante and Lady are expecting only one baby, a little girl. They are over the moon happy with this information.

I foresee a lot of dead demons in the future.

Actually, to think of it I never did learn the gender of the new set of twins from the others… concerned.

**Episode Eighty-Seven**

“Sympathy pains”

Did some more research-- apparently mates are supposed to feel stuff through the markings. Sparda pointed out that he did a great deal of panicking because feeling Eva’s labor pains was what made him crazy the first time around. (No one has forgotten the pizza bribe attempt.)

Asked Vergil.

“What pain?”

Immediately remember that he had a broken hand and was more focused on beating up his twin.

I suggested to him that maybe the pain wasn’t so intense if it was only one child but reminded him he was stuck with twins this time around. Dante started laughing at Vergil but not before getting a book thrown at his head.

**Episode Eighty-Eight**

“Feelings”

Asked Nero how it felt to be a big brother. He was only excited because he’s always wanted siblings but said that his goal was to be a better big brother than his father because as we’ve seen, his father has only wound up getting into fights with his twin.

“As a big brother, it’s my responsibility to protect my little siblings!”

Aw.

**Episode Eighty-Nine**

“Names, part two”

No one can even decide on names but I’ve been told that Carina has outright banned “William” and “Blake” from their list. Vergil has unexpectedly banned "Angelo" from the list too.

This is a mystery.

**Episode Ninety**

“Vacation”

Trish suggested that we all go on a beach vacation. Nero invited Kyrie and Credo. Vacation seems to be going pretty well. Colby is hiding in one of my pockets and I am a little concerned that the small cheese wheel might find my flask.

Dante and Vergil got in a fight over cutting a watermelon.

_See DMC Gen Week Dadgil and Son 7: "Family Vacation" coming 8/3/19_


	10. Report 91-100

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ticklish Dragon is hell of a drink.

**Episode Ninety-One**

“Names, part three”

More names have been added to the ban list though this one was mutual because they both agreed that it would be too goddamn confusing. “Victor and Victoria” …

Then Carina outright told Vergil that he couldn’t use musicals for name inspirations anymore.

Apparently they still can’t figure out the names in part because the last time they were at the sonogram appointment, the technician was super stressed trying to determine gender because the twins were ...eluding the wand. Supposedly by the end of the appointment, the technician was curled up on the floor sobbing.

**Episode Ninety-Two**

“Sometimes you just need a better hobby”

Sparda is still trying to figure out various hobbies since he’s been technically banned from demon dairy farming after the hell cow milk incident in the fridge. He is rather clumsy with needlework and painting has yielded questionable results.

However he seems to take it upon himself to do home brewing. I suppose I can’t complain since I’ll be testing the alcoholic drinks. I can just ignore the beer hissing at me.

**Episode Ninety-Three**

“The tale of the little determined demon cheese wheel”

Colby has been following Nero around, even getting up to mischief at his school. To my understanding, it was incredibly difficult for Nero’s parents to even explain the demon cheese wheel to the principal. I promised to keep a better eye on Colby.

This Sparda beer has quite a nice buzz to it. Unfortunately, Sparda named it “Ticklish Dragon” and I’m not sure how to interpret that.

**Episode Ninety-Four**

“Drinking Games”

With the exception of the expectant mothers, we proceeded to have a drinking game using Sparda Brewed Ticklish Dragon. Unfortunately, Vergil took one sip and was out immediately.

Dante took a sip and ended up bleching out fire in the form of a dragon.

...I guess that’s why it’s called Ticklish Dragon.

And clearly, drinking games have been temporarily banned on the basis of one very burnt wall from Dante’s burp.

**Episode Ninety-Five**

“Double Trouble”

Sudden labor in the middle of the night, Vergil was nearly strangled by his cravat.

Stuck babysitting Nero at the hospital. It sounded like the labor was a little complicated when we got the news.

Well, shit. One of each. This is the first girl born to the Sparda bloodline, one can only wonder what she will be like when she grows up.

Judging by her parents, I think I have plenty of reason to worry. But Nero did turn out pretty well all things considering.

**Episode Ninety-Six**

“Names, part four.”

So, we have one Riza and one Victor. When asked on the names considering Victor was on the ban list, there was an awkward mumbling. “I decided on Frankenstein theming. Carina went with it because she was just tired and cranky.”

Transcription:

S: I don’t remember a Riza.  
V: Elizabeth.  
S: Oh.  
V: Though she’s actually a little more of Frankenstein’s Monster. Cute, but if I thought Nero was loud… she has something on him.  
N: You actually called her Urizen! (accusing tone)  
(Nero was visibly shaking for no apparent reason when he said this and I gave Vergil a questioning look.)  
V: Sleep deprived and accidentally quoting Blake.  
S: … I think the problem is that you have the entire works memorized.  
V: You hung up on me last night when I asked for help.  
S: I don’t have experience with babies!  
V: What about Colby.  
S: YOU LITERALLY CANNOT APPLY DEMON CHEESE WHEEL REARING TO CHILDREN REARING.  
N: I think I’ll go check on mom. Dad, you should have asked grandparents for help. You seem to have a problem with thinking things through.  
V: ...ouch.

**Episode Ninety-Seven**

“Ticklish Dragons”

Dante has been banned from drinking this brew because he is the only one who can literally produce a dragon whenever he bleches. Sparda honestly doesn’t understand how as neither he nor I can reproduce this mysterious effect.

Sparda got the idea to feed Brie some of the brew and I tried to protest to no avail. Brie … bleched a cheese dragon. Now we’re both mystified beyond belief.

Episode Ninety-Eight

**“New hobbies”**

Sparda has given up on brewing for the time being. Gardening seems to be a new thing now and he’s enjoying the hell out of it. Though he did tell me about a hell tree that would grow a fruit produced from human blood.

I begged him not to plant such a thing in the real world. He looked especially offended at me for that and said that the tree was the most dangerous thing in the world and it was one of the reasons why he deliberately cut the demon world off from the human world.

Okay then. I also had to ask him about why the hell there were flowers with teeth in the garden. He looked at the flowers, puzzled. “I didn’t plant those. I guess I better weed those…”

**Episode Ninety-Nine**

“Trish gets a new best friend”

While everyone else was busy with impending chaos, Trish snuck off to South America for a mission. She returned with a new best friend, a woman named Lucia. Lucia seems to be a man-made demon with a bird-like form for Devil Trigger. It seems to be Lucia’s first time in this part of the world and she’s enjoying hanging out with everyone with much enthusiasm.

I asked Trish if Lucia was going to work for Devil May Cry too.

Transcription:

T: Nah, Lucia’s got problems back home. Where she lives -- the barrier between the two worlds is a little thin. Just enough for demons to leak through. So she’s just visiting here for now before she has to go.  
S: Ah. I see. Thought it would have been nice to have another coworker.  
T: Yeah. I suppose you could say that we’re birds of a feather…  
S: Howso?  
T: We were created by our fathers as a weapon and we both failed in that respect. So I understand where Lucia’s coming from. I’m just glad she’s not alone back in South America what with her having a family to support and keep her going.  
(Sparda interrupts with a “South America?” and suddenly looked nervous before fleeing the room)  
T: What was that?  
S: … I think Sparda left a pot boiling or something?

It wasn’t until later I found out that Lucia’s surrogate mother was one of Sparda’s ex girlfriends and I just sighed.

**Episode One Hundred**

“And we are complete.”

And Ann’s here now. Two girls of the Sparda bloodline, I wonder if the world would be ready for them?

I’ll find out then, I suppose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for the series! Follow-up coming soon: "Teen Nero and Tiny Terrors"!


End file.
